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[11 Feb 2009|11:26pm] [ music | Wish You Were Here ] ... and I should listen to Pink Floyd more. 1 READ!!| WRITE!!

How long has it been since you have seen so beautifully? [11 Feb 2009|10:32pm] [ mood | peaceful ] [ music | Kashmir by Led Zeppelin ] I can't be the only person still downloading music irresponsibly. Feels like I am sometimes.. maybe I'm just, like, totally 90s. I'm tired... but happy enough for the moment. I hope all of you are too. That is all. Go in peace. 1 READ!!| WRITE!!

By the way... [31 Aug 2008|04:24am] I'm sick of being warned about the security of my passwords. I mean, fair enough with the bank accounts and stuff (although a five digit number that isn't the birthday of anyone you know, or a number in any way significant to you, and security questions you have to remember and answer yourself are a bit of a fucking ballache..), but I really couldn't give a flying fuck if someone hacked my LiveJournal. I'll decide whether this password is sufficient, madam!! In other olds: I'm tired of the 'controlling with fear' card - it's a few millenia too old. Play a new tune, Mr Piper, the other is getting on my tits. It's become too agressive, what with people constantly hardlined to your burst transmissions... when everyone's committed suicide, who'll line your pockets with blowjobs and crack? ....monkey butlers, I suppose... well... you have fun training them, you fucking bitch!! "I'm hip" he said. "I'm hip" I said. WRITE!!

Another night out late. [31 Aug 2008|04:09am] [ mood | listless ] Well hello Livejournal! I can't sleep. I don't feel dreadful.. just a little lostness. It pangs, and it makes my heart race, but I think it's okay. Just a post to help me relax. When in doubt, go with what you know. I should have had another good week, but for some reason I've not been able to keep my head in time with the rest of me. I know I should sleep more, but change is so... I don't know.. Funny that it's always the little things. I'm told I'm amazing, but it's all the basics I can't get right. Stupid things, with simple solutions that no-one else seems to need. Comfortingly, it doesn't matter a fuck anyway. I just wish I knew what I needed. I wish I could claim I had an idea before my life was brutalized... and maybe I did.. but a long time before. I'm told it doesn't get harder... but the hardest day is always ahead, neh? Feels good to waffle a bit, anyway. Hope none of you bothered reading it. I think I know why Stephen Fry likes writing, though. Thoughts run more slowly when they have to be interpreted. 2 READ!!| WRITE!!

Fragment of lost thought: [08 Mar 2008|03:28pm] [ music | DJ Yoda's How to Cut and Paste: 80s Mixtape Volume II ] They help you go nowhere, and you'll really enjoy the ride until you realize where you are. 2 READ!!| WRITE!!

Touch hearts larger than a thimble. [06 Mar 2008|01:28am] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Bridges and Balloons by joanna Newsom ] I've taken to sitting at the back door so I can smoke and use my laptop. I've just finished my three main projects for this term. I have another two for next week, but I'm riding quite a nice feeling you really only get from the last minute productivity and completion. Victory smoking, a glass of warm milk, leaning against the door frame and surrounded by the muted rushing of traffic... hood still up because my head is less used to the cold than the rest of me... life is pretty sweet. I bought an iPod yesterday, finally. I've been buying a lot more things lately that I should always have had. Little purchased pieces of self... they have more worth than the nihilists will ever tell you. This song has one of the best rhymes with derigible I've ever heard. I like her words. *lights another cigarette* One more and then bed, before I buy those white framed aviators I really shouldn't, and so I'm rested for the final rush to the library at 7:30 tomorrow to print off these thousand word poems. WRITE!!

*Jeff Buckley sigh* [07 Feb 2008|01:32am] [ mood | Still ] [ music | Oxygen, by JJ72 ] Been a while since I've written anything here. Somehow it's just never come up. I started posting the odd short blog on MySpace, but one way or the other nothing really gets ordered or properly thought through like it used to. Probably not a positive thing, given my usual frame of mind. Perhaps it was caused by my not thinking more than a day ahead, perhaps my lack of planning is the effect... probably a little of both. Regardless, my flatmate Ansar said I should write more. He's a supportive young buck (older than me though nyehehehe), and I'm glad of his presence in my world. I'm not sure how far I've updated. I think I put in that I started university. A caring writer would check at this point, but it's 1am.. give me a break. I now live in rented student accomidation with three medical students. They're good sorts: A neurotic ex-public-schoolboy called Nick who tends to try thirty or so things at once, and inevitably fails at 90% of them (and kicks himself for it constantly... still, "The aim, if reached or not, makes great the life."); Alan, a (possibly) psychotic Irishman, he enjoys coffee, and as far as I can tell generally couldn't give a shit about anything else... except canoeing... and being irish... and his girlfriend of 6 years, probably.. but he'd never say so; and the aforementioned Ansar Zaman, who spent some time in Moss Side.. but he's getting over it in his way. *insert clip of one of his stressed out 'anger issue' moments* The course is going as well as could be expected. I'm acing it without apparent effort. They call me "brainy bum" when they're of a mind... usually they just think I'm relaxed enough for my death to go unnoticed. I spend a good deal of my time making people feel less stressed, that much is true. Rationalizing their worlds with eloquence and inviolable reason that leaves most people with a cockier stride than the one with which they arrived. I suppose my concerns are few compared to those of most people... they're just the bigger questions. I'm finding some sort of peace with it all, if anyone was wondering. I just wonder if this peaceful happiness gig isn't too boring a way to spend a lifetime. Feel like I should get out and start burning a Simon shaped hole in the world. Maybe I will... Either way, stopping the drugs has deffinitely helped. I might just be getting used to the world remaining solid, and generally not being constructed of my thoughts. Ehm.. that's about it as far as I can think. I should throw some stuff into a bag to save me doing it before lectures tomorrow, then it's more than past time I went to bed. I trust you've all been taking care.. keep it up. AND FINALLY... a big shout out to my good friend Tanja, who's lovely. w3rd. 2 READ!!| WRITE!!

[20 Sep 2007|04:49am] [ music | Smashing Pumpkins - Tarantula ] http://jerubal.livejournal.com/30898.html So much forgotten. "How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd." - Alexander Pope.. also Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, which I think I prefer. Gotta love Michel Gondry. Okay, I'm going to stop reading about myself and go to bed. This is a pretty late night right here homes. Only nine days to go... so much to do. I think I'll take tomorrow 'off.' I'm tired, spun out, generally could do with unwinding. *sips Gin and Tonic with a slice of lemon* Oh yes. 1 READ!!| WRITE!!

IMPORTANT! [20 Sep 2007|03:12am] [ music | Suede - Animal Nitrate ] Simon, remember: listen to music as often as possible. Any music. TV makes shit background noise, and it sucks big donkey balls. Fell out of the habit when you lost your MP3 collection, I know. It's all good though. We have the technology. We can rebuild it. It will keep you sane. That is all. (Yes I'm talking to myself. Want to make something of it wiseguy?) Also: http://jerubal.livejournal.com/8639.html ... it was always thus. WRITE!!

Everything must go. [09 Sep 2007|01:28pm] Ugh, where to start? Been a while since I've tried to put things into any kind of rational order. Things kept happening, I kept reacting. Such is life. I'll be leaving before too long to collect the last of my mum's stuff from her (it turns out 'dogger'/group sex with randoms/attempting to trick my mum into same) ex-boyfriend John Edward White of Bedlington Station, Northumberland (D.O.B. 26 March 1955, meh heh), so I'll have to be brief in my attempt. About a month ago I made it into Durham University studying Biological Anthropology. I have a place in the halls not far from there. I've managed to gain some semblance of 'mindfulness,' so I'm more mentally balanced recently. It's nice, but it makes me wonder whether it's more worthy. I suppose it's worth taking a break from whatever insight demi-madness gave me to get a little grounding and commonly perceived truth. I hope I can maintain this 'normality' through uni. I imagine I will. I've been prejudged and socially inert for far too long now. Part of my problem, among other factors, is the fact that for years there hasn't been a 'me' to be. No need for one, and a difficult thing to assert given the circumstances. Also, being depressed on a mood enhancer for an extended period? Can't recommend it. :p If you are depressed try not to hide it where possible. People you need to hide it from aren't healthy, even if they're aware of it. Stephen Fry said he'd found people who send him little things he'll find interesting, or just texts to see where he's gone when he disappears for a while. I'm glad for him. I hope I do someday... just for those days where it all goes dark. Uhm... yeah... take care all. I'll post when I can. As of the 29th I may be risking a life (I'll be moving in to my new place, and starting my course on the 1st of October). *waves* WRITE!!

Boom shackalacka rude boy [16 Jul 2007|02:45am] [ mood | drained ] You know, I can never think of anything to write when I have things to do. I'm probably too preoccupied with how and when I'll do things to think about how to word them. Also, without knowing for certain how things will turn out I don't want to go talking like there are concrete plans. One way or the other it's out of the holding pattern and into a full charge. The change of pace is daunting enough without the endless list of stuff I have to confirm. Whether this will all make sense in the morning, I don't know. My head is a little fuzzy and distracted. I should really get some sleep. My nails are looking good at the minute. I stopped biting them (again) a few weeks ago, now I'm all the way up to using a manicure set. How metro-sexual am I? I wish I could claim to smell as pampered. WRITE!!

One of those annoying lyrics posts [06 Jul 2007|11:21am] The Shy Retirer by Arab Strap Another bloated disco, another sniff of romance I'll forget We promised to ourselves before we came out we'd do something we regret These people are your friends This cunted circus never ends I won't remember anything you say I lost my social skills a while ago but now I feel them coming back My eyes were rolling when we met and now they are perparing for attack I want to fall in love tonight and form the perfect unbreakable bond You can be my teenage Jenny Agutter, swimming naked in a pond You know I'm always moanin' But you jumpstart my seratonin But how d'you know you've ever really loved? But when I feel like this, I know it doesn't matter When I eat when I'm not hungy I'm sure I feel my face get fatter Then I thin out every weekend and I think that she might want me But I always slip off my own 'cause... I let those feelings haunt me, they control me, but tonight I'm letting go You're more then just a photo album, you're more than what some people let you know And if we ever make it home, I'll tell you all the things that shaped me thus; Something forged in a phonebox, but lost in a restaurant, we've got so much to discuss Here, have you tried the blue ones? I hear he's got some new ones Sleep is not an option tonight Look at us just stand and stare Look at them just pose and pout And we'll all be standing here Until the pigs chuck us out NOTE: For reasons unknown the link to Jenny Agutter only works if you copy the shortcut and paste it into the address bar. Thank you for your time. WRITE!!

This is how we do. [31 May 2007|11:27pm] Life is pretty sweet right now. I've got tobacco, a cup of tea, I'm well fed, I get plenty of exercise... basically I'm a tea drinking dog who smokes. Regardless, I'm a dog with friends... even if those friends are spread far and wide. Maybe I'll roll like The Littlest Hobo. *nods decisively* So! Until tomorrow...! *wanders off* 1 READ!!| WRITE!!

[27 May 2007|01:49am] [ mood | calm ] You know what? I'm pretty great. 1 READ!!| WRITE!!

Chillax! [24 May 2007|04:21am] Wow, tonight has been really, really cool. I got talking to Tom(youngest brother/unruly charge) online. I don't know why I made the step, but I think it's the first conversation where I've not thought of him as a ten year old (not strictly true, but subject matter was never completely open). We spoke long and hard about drugs, women, neuroses, and eventually beliefs. We got to some pretty deep shit before he decided collapsing into unconsciousness would feel pretty awesome. I have to say I'm in agreement on that point too. He's an amazing kid though, he really is. I can't help feeling a twinge of pride at that. WRITE!!

Special fried rice. [24 May 2007|12:23am] [ mood | content ] [ music | Bust a Move - Infected Mushroom ] w00t! It's been a really good night. I attended the first ever showcase for the Sonic Rites Collective. There was some amazing stuff on. Nathan's set really hit the spot, and the guy who played last was amazing. Thomas played out front for a good hour and a half; he made it a very cool place to sit and skin up. I spent the evening wandering about taking shit and stealing what beer and cigarette papers I could. The rest of the time I was to be found flailing (albeit in an apparently co-ordinated fashion) to the music. Drink inside but not out. Smoking outside but not in. Otherwise, a fine time was had by all. This was just a test. Laura's new fella was there, which bothered me very little (a lot less than it seemed to bother her, anyway). I'm not sure why, but I don't think I was expecting it to anyway. I'm quite capable of imagining the worst, and life is rarely so adept at nightmarish situations. It is a shame. Just holding ground. In her adult life it's all she's known. To be honest I was scared of being just one person. We were two people for so long. I lived with her as soon as I left home, and she likewise. I kind of hoped she'd take the step to self reliance too, though. I thought her fawning around was just... sort of... sad, I guess. At least half of that is my fault. We built up a need for it because we were so sure it was forever. C'est la vie. I wish her the very best, as ever. In other news: My doctor gave me a note to say I'd been adversely affected since January, which means I'll get my rent and income support from then, and although I'm completely unable to paint or write (having so recently lost my muse) I find myself far more willing and able to be myself, as there's no-one who'd be affected by it. My eldest nephew has been in and out of hospital, minor surgery, but I'm sure he was very brave. Hope he got a cigar for his trouble... or is that lollipops? All is well. Peace out. WRITE!!

Pish posh [21 May 2007|01:10am] Tomorrow looks like it'll be a busy one. I have to meet mam at an undisclosed location so that, among other things, I can feel slightly more ashamed; I have to take my sick note to some soulless government officials at some point, and I should probably get some work done around this place: re-plaster the hole in the kitchen wall, remember how to draw, e-mail some folks about this word malarkey. I'll be heading into town with Laura and Chris, probably. I doubt they'll be off their lazy asses by noon, actually, so maybe not. Meih, it's likely to be better that way... Laura is still going out of her way to make my life less tolerable. What started with unwillingness to talk has turned from a general frustration at my presence to an active roll in my eviction (that's a hunch, but all of the others have been right). This doesn't concern me too much. I doubt she'll realize how she really feels (or why) before it's too late, but she'll run away from what she feels at that time too. Funny how convinced you can be of something when you put aside reasoning. When you start running away what reason is there to ever stop, though. I'm only just learning to turn and face things. Given my history of running and hiding, I guess you could (quite rightly) ask what room I have to talk. I speak with the voice of experience I suppose... given the choice I'd have taken more things head-on. How would I have known what those things were though? God knows I wouldn't be told. Ho hum. I hope her friends are looking out for her. Shame they're so busy (quite rightly) looking out for themselves. It'd be nice to go to the Sonic Rites gig and support Ralph and Nathan without her freaking out about it. Avoid emotion if you must, but tangible real-life situations? Got to get your head out of the sand some day. Again, voice of experience. Anyway, today was pleasant. I slept a lot. I do a lot of sleeping recently, which I take to indicate some kind of recovery. I looked at myself in the mirror the other day to see my eyes staring out of black pits and my skin apparently digesting itself. My visage is much improved today, along with my temperament, pace of thought, energy levels and hygene (I smell amazing, in fact). My teeth are so shiny *grin* Oh wow! My grin is back! Remember the FMV on Final Fantasy 8 where Zell is introduced? That's the one. Kind of pointy at the sides.... OH! Like Christina Ricci's. I haven't done that in frikin' ages. Blah blah blah. Much of a muchness. I was ocularly/verbaly (and almost very really) raped by two gay men last night. Life goes on.. so you may as well enjoy it. 2 READ!!| WRITE!!

Subsidence [19 May 2007|08:36pm] [ mood | peaceful ] [ music | Chopin - Nocturne in E-Flat, Op. 9, No. 2 ] Ahhh. My mind feels rested. Rachel came over earlier, so she, Chris and I went to the park. It was most tranquil. 'Dreaded' Alex was there with his pregnant seventeen year old girlfriend, which caused a stir of minor gossip for a few minutes, but otherwise we all just zoned out in the sun. I took a siesta when we got back here, also. They're off meeting Mr Paul Hazen, so given their lack of money I expect some form of further entertainment before too long. I'm happy to sit here for some time yet. Music, I think. Music, tea, rollies and hey, maybe some porn. I love this song. WRITE!!

Sunrise [17 May 2007|11:46am] [ music | Myspacemyspacemyspacemyspacemyspace ] Things are starting to go fairly well for me in the last few days. I feel more motivated now that I'm directing my energy into something, rather than someone. Not that I think it was wrong to, and I still wouldn't, but like muh big bruvva sayd: You ever known a great male artist or thinker who was married? I still wish she could see the ramifications of the way she's dealing with it. She makes out I'm the irrational one, but that doesn't stand up to the evidence. She transferred her emotion into something quite transient, allowing her to hate me in double quick time. In the end, though, she'll have no emotion left for anything else... at which point I sadly predict a kind of implosion of energies. I believe it's already starting to seep, but we'll see. She said I thought she was stupid... untrue... she can lie to herself like no-one I've ever met. Me? I'm writing voluntary reviews on request for MySpacers at the minute. Just kind of holding ground. Might still try metalworking/blacksmithing, but while I wait for my test results the constructive writing is more challenging than simply writing words as they flash into my mind. Take it easy peeps. No-one's playing for keeps. WRITE!!

[16 May 2007|02:21am] =D WRITE!!

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